Sunday, July 1, 2012

Observing My Own Feelings On....

My sister, Rigina, got married this past week. mazal tov! I am so so happy for her. She married an angel, she is an angel and looking at them, you feel that you are peeking into a happy, deep, meaningful and magical fairy tale. But selfish me, i am depressed, because she is moving so far away. i just got home from the last sheva brachos i would attend, and i cried. (in front of my sister) i doubt that is considered mesameach chatan ve kalah. but i couldn't help it. Many years ago, after my oldest sister left the house, Rigina and i got extremely close. She became my best friend, my spiritual role model, my fashion role model, my teacher, therapist, personal body guard and the best sister i could have had wished for. but then the time came, and Rigina had to leave for seminary. I remember vividly the pain of feeling her absence. Whenever Rigina was at home, the piano was always producing beautiful music. But then all of a sudden, the piano died. There was no music. Everything was still. I remember climbing into Rigina's bed in attempt to smell her scent, and saturating her sheets with my bitter, pain stricken, salty tears. The pain was extreme. But after a year and a half we reunited and i thought i healed from it. both my sister and i changed a lot since before her seminary experience, but despite our new developments, our relationship has stayed one of the most meaningful ones in my life. But now she is leaving again, and the pain feels so raw all over again. you want the people you love next to you, not so far away. this keyboard that i am using now is wet with my tears and i feel so sad. I want to go now, get into my pajamas, sit down on the front porch, stare at the stars and contemplate about life and the beauty and pain of it all. You think you mature, and someone you love leaving you wont be as hard as when you were in seventh grade. but homesickness never fails to surprise you. It never fails to show up at your doorstep and torture you