Observing School

This past summer i worked as a counselor for eight whole long weeks. At first when i was given my bunk, i saw a bunch of adorable little fourth graders. As i got to know them better, and observed their behavior at different times, and different activities, i started to develop a definite, confident theory about roles in social settings. Now i am working as a counselor with a non religious middle school. I cant help but compare that in every class, starting from nursery till high school (at least) there is a same formula. What do i mean? A class is a puzzle that is made up of four pieces. 1)Popular-> the kid who dominates, often mean, arrogant(not always) but usually funny, street smart, social, bossy and outgoing. 2)Hassidim-> those are the popular kid's followers. They are on the quieter side, a bit insecure. In most cases they are either a close friend of the rebbe (but lack the bossiness or there cant be two rebbes in one chasidus are reasons for being on the lower step of the ladder.) Unfortunately,they agree with the rebbe on everything, they follow her command and its actually pretty funny if you are observing from a detached point of view. 3)Outcasts->those vary. Misfits either think for themselves and therefore dont fit in, are a bit off on social Que, or are just different. Last but not least, 4)live-thy-own-life-> self confident kids who feel its beneath them to be a chassid, but are not exactly the bossy type, and are not outcasts either. This group swims around between social clicks and are not committed to any one sort of friends. I have observed and been part of this puzzle so many times and in so many different places. Whether it was in Israel, America, or other places, whether it was in kindergarten, elementary, middle or high school. Most often i completed the puzzle as the fourth piece. Now as a counselor, when i walk into the classroom i immediately apply my "puzzle" formula and am able to differentiate which girl plays which role in the class. Also, as a counselor it is smart to become good friends with the rebbe, then the chassidim immediately love you, and having that part of the puzzle on your good side is the best thing you can do in order to successfully achieve the goals of your programs. Social life isn't so technical, simple and clear cut. Of course there are exceptions to everything, however, this "puzzle" formula has never failed to show up in a social setting.

Observing My Own Feelings On....

My sister, Rigina, got married this past week. mazal tov! I am so so happy for her. She married an angel, she is an angel and looking at them, you feel that you are peeking into a happy, deep, meaningful and magical fairy tale. But selfish me, i am depressed, because she is moving so far away. i just got home from the last sheva brachos i would attend, and i cried. (in front of my sister) i doubt that is considered mesameach chatan ve kalah. but i couldn't help it. Many years ago, after my oldest sister left the house, Rigina and i got extremely close. She became my best friend, my spiritual role model, my fashion role model, my teacher, therapist, personal body guard and the best sister i could have had wished for. but then the time came, and Rigina had to leave for seminary. I remember vividly the pain of feeling her absence. Whenever Rigina was at home, the piano was always producing beautiful music. But then all of a sudden, the piano died. There was no music. Everything was still. I remember climbing into Rigina's bed in attempt to smell her scent, and saturating her sheets with my bitter, pain stricken, salty tears. The pain was extreme. But after a year and a half we reunited and i thought i healed from it. both my sister and i changed a lot since before her seminary experience, but despite our new developments, our relationship has stayed one of the most meaningful ones in my life. But now she is leaving again, and the pain feels so raw all over again. you want the people you love next to you, not so far away. this keyboard that i am using now is wet with my tears and i feel so sad. I want to go now, get into my pajamas, sit down on the front porch, stare at the stars and contemplate about life and the beauty and pain of it all. You think you mature, and someone you love leaving you wont be as hard as when you were in seventh grade. but homesickness never fails to surprise you. It never fails to show up at your doorstep and torture you

Observing a Snob

This morning i took the SAT's. Longest test in the world. It amazes me how CollegeBoard expects students to concentrate for so long. i felt extremely drained. I met a girl i used to be friendly with when i was a child. I came over to her and in a friendly manner asked her what is she up to, weather she remembers me and that sort. During breaks i got more into a conversation with her and everything about her screamed, "JAP!!!" Her pretty pink linen dress, her straightened hair, her squeaky voice, her money, her brains. I honestly didnt know she had any, but she is scoring for a merit scholarship. How do i know that? She was flaunting it in my face. She attends the "harvard" of girls high schools, that only the smart ones get into. Anyone i know from that school is a brat. They are all judgmental, superior and "normal." And you, yes you and me, we are weird. That's just the way it is. Now i thought i matured, i started feeling comfortable with myself, my own sense of fashion, ideas, personality. The fact that i am not exactly the "noamal" type (note the lack of "r" in the word normal), and that i dont obey society's expectations, dutifully. I am telling you that girl has no personality. She has like a robot inside her answering questions, or something. Why do i get so insecure around people like that? Every time i meet girls from that school, i squirm away, shrink into my shirt, want to run away. Anyway, i found out we are applying to the same seminary, which is our only choice. Yeppee!!! I literally cannot wait!!!

Observing a Halakha Class Gone CREYZEY!

Its 1:00 A.M. in the middle of the night now, i should be long asleep, but i couldnt fall asleep. I was too busy playing over an argument in my head that i had today with my halaha teacher. I was coming up with better and better arguments, but the problem is halaha class is over. so i will take it out on you, dear blog. In halakha class we entered a discussion of halakhic prenuptial agreement. "Rabbi Goldberg? So there is this yeshivish opposition against a halakhic prenup..." "Yes, like me?" R' G interrupted as he took his seat by the teachers desk. R' G is short, bearded, funny, knows his halakha (very hashkafically) and the girls love him. After hearing his answers today, my respect for him gradually dwindled down with every close minded statement he made. Hello! "the halakha does not obligate a man to give a get. It is mentchlichkeit and common sense to do so when a wife asks for one, but the halaha does not obligate him." I noticed my fingers were starting to shake with anger, irritation and impatience. "If a man wants custody over his children and the wife is making it impossible, or she is poisoning the children against the husband, the sane thing would do would be for him to use the get as a tool to get custody." I almost puked right there and then. You know sometimes people say things and you have to play it over in your head, cuz it makes absolutely no sense! He finally let me talk, "Rachel is itching to answer." I hate his snide comments! I hope i was not being too disrespectful. But it is difficult to have an equal argument when you are not allowed to interrupt. "A get should not be used as any tool for anything, that's not a gets point! he has problems, so take care of it in court, not through the refusal of a get. That's insane!" He had his reasons for opposition, sources he refused to cite. And the reasons were not valid, i tell you. "In certain circles the prenup is common," "Yes, in the YU world." I added R' Goldberg looked at me, "But that is a very small world, indeed." He continued, "The hassidic community is much much bigger." Well, duh! they have a system, they beat the guy up till he consents to grant a get, and therefore the agunah issue is not so grand there. in israel men are imprisoned, or even locked up in solitary confinement unless they give a get. by the modern people they date for centuries so they often avoid the problem altogether. It is actually a small circle, us yeshivish litvaks that are victimized to this issue, and you seem to be ignoring the solution. I didn't say any of this because i havent thought of it then. only after processing it with a close friend, she verbalized this. "I got a letter asking to convince my rosh yeshiva's grandson to give a get. I threw that letter in the trash, and so would my parents and anyone else who got the letter. We dont know the insides of the story, and just because he wont give a get right away, doesnt give everyone a right to call her an agunah." (i know, right? can you believe he actually said that?) I was bouncing in my chair, sweating, angry and shocked. "A man deserves custody, and he should use a get as a tool to get that." "But Rabbi Goldberg! When i will iy"h walk down my chuppah, i dont want the threat of the potential eventuality of my becoming an agunah! And this prenup can help! It's like a vaccine! And its not like when you are signing it you are suspecting your future husband of refusing a get, you are doing it for the better good so it will be standard procedure. But if you are with someone who for some reason does not want to sign it then you dont want to marry him!" "Well then, Rachel. When you will iy"h get married, with the permission of your parents and the mechutonim, sign that prenup." I was glad he said that. Anyway, i feel much better now and am pretty sure my insomnia disturbance is gone.

Observing Satmar Williamsburg

Our school organizes chessed trips, for us to get inspired. So this year, my whole class was taken to the center of chesed, to the senter of chassidus, to the center of satmar. The weather today was rainy, humid and utterly gross. As each girl in my class steeped off the yellow school bus, onto the Brooklyn ground, with our long, black skirts trailing behind, we were led to the center of the satmar bikur cholim kitchen. The place smelled like a heilege Friday afternoon. Cholent, kugel, cakes, chicken, soups, maemesh delicious! I testify that this organization (founded by the Satmerr Rebbe) is absolutely excellent. Two years ago, when my grandfather, alav hashalom, was very sick, he was hospitalized in Cleveland Clinic. My mother, aunt, cousin and i shlepped eight hours to Cleveland to visit him. There was a special bikur cholim room in the hospital with a code of gematria, open to any Jew. The walls and fridge were filled with tons of food. The bikur cholim house was also like a heimeshe 5 star hotel. Every need was taken care of, and it definitely made our stay much much easier. Today, we had a Satmar lady talk to us a little about the chessed in Williamsburg. It was easy for me to say this community is bad because of this issue they have, and that issue they have... But after lots of observing today, my judgments on the chassidish community became less cler cut, and much more complicated. What these chessed organizations in Williamsburg have to offer... is simple Kiddush Hashem. There are issues in their community (as there are everywhere else), but the amount of expected ahavas yisrael the chassidishe people have to offer is truly awesome. So much volunteering, chessed drivers (regular men who offer rides to people to and from hospitals, where the driver never looks at the passengers for privacy reasons,) hilpf (health is yiddish, that covers medical expenses), food that is made every night for dinner in families where a mother is busy with a sick child. (these dinners are offered for months at a time.) i was astounded at the amount of chessed i saw today. One girl asked the lady today, "how do you treat children who feel resentful growing up in this community?" This satmar lady replied, "it happens, as in many other places. Some parents accept their children for who they become and some don't. My friend's son, Avruymi, joined a rock band, has a long pony tail and lives with a girlfriend. His mother is just glad that thanks to his ponytail he never cut off his payos. She accepted him for who he is, he comes back home and his family loves him and his girlfriend. But then, my other friend whose daughter has gone off, and her mother did not let her daughter come back unless she became more tzniustig." I lump all chassidim into a kugel pan, all charedim into a cholent pot, and all Modern Orthodox into a sesame chicken pan, and all "modern" yeshivish into a fake pot. but the truth is, when you meet someone individually from any part of the "yiddishe kitchen", you have more things in common than you thought. And after reading "Unorthodox" and "Hush" and articles from "Failed Messiah" i almost started really looking down on the whole chassidishe, hareidi and whatnot community. I dont want to become Satmar, or any other chassid. Ha! I can hardly handle my own "modern" bais yaakov rules, but after what i saw today i was inspired. How much a person can give. There is no end. After the trip, i stopped in 7/11 and got a free Slurpee, as i was leaving the place, i saw a girl who was expelled from my school last year. She was wearing tight pants, and smoking a cigarette. I judged her immediately, wow, the girl is ruined! But after what i saw today, it's not fair to judge and label so effortlessly and confidently, so now i am taking my judgement back.

Observing Agunah Today

After having an argument with a haredi rabbi, i realized that the ultra orthodox community is ignoring a major problem, which is currently plaguing the Jewish world. Rabbis representing the Modern Orthodox community have come up with a solution that will hopefully help prevent future agunot. However, the rabbinical leadership of the haredi world is choosing to bury their heads in the sand and ignore this issue. The definition of agunah is a woman who is chained to a dead marriage. Her husband is missing, not known to be dead or alive, or simply refuses, as a form of domestic abuse, to grant his wife a get, a Jewish divorce document. The problem with being an agunah is that the woman cannot marry anyone else, or she will be considered an adulteress and any children born of the new union will be considered mamzerim. When a woman enters the chupah ceremony on her wedding day, she voluntarily confines herself to the potential eventuality of becoming an agunah . How can this be prevented? How can a woman get married without worrying about becoming an agunah. Unfortunately, within the realms of the halachic code, there is no answer. There is however, a measure of protection that can be taken. Before a man and a woman marry, they can sign a legal document, a halakhic prenuptial agreement, in which the husband promises to give a get on demand. If he refuses, he will have to pay a certain amount of money for every day he refuses to give the get. This agreement is binding in secular court. Is this a solution? No, but it is a step in the right direction. Throughout history, Jewish marriage laws have evolved. The ketuba, Jewish marriage contract, was a modern concept in the ancient and medieval times when it was introduced. The mere fact that the ketuba granted the woman rights, such as obligations upon the husband to feed and clothe her was unheard of in the rest of the world. This contract was in a sense a prenuptial agreement. If a man refused to adhere to the contract, the woman could use it to sue her husband in court. Rabeinu Gershom, who lived in the late 900's and early 1000's further advanced the rights of women. He established takanot that effect the Jewish woman until the present day. He forbade polygamy, and made it illegal for a man to give his wife a get without her consent. The issue of the agunah is not a new one. During the times of the prophets, men would issue their wives a get before leaving to war as a preventative measure. When Jews lived under the rule of foreign governments centuries later, other issues arose pertaining to agunot. For example, during the Spanish and Portuguese Inquisitions, people were forcibly converted. But what should a woman do if she stayed Jewish but her husband became Catholic? Is she now free to marry or is she an agunah ? During the pogroms of Tach Ve Tat, when a husband went missing, there were many possibilities as to his whereabouts. He could have been butchered somewhere in a Polish forest by the Cossacks or he could have been taken captive and held for ransom, or he might have been sold into slavery in Turkey. How was a woman in the 1600's able to find out whether she was agunah or free? One of the reasons why obtaining a get can be so difficult is because Jewish law stipulates that a get must be given voluntarily. According to Rambam, it is permissible for the Jewish court to beat the man until he gives the get. In his words, “kofin oso ad sheyomar rotzeh ani.” We can beat him until he says that he wants to give the get. Why is this allowed? Because, according to Rambam, a man really does want to give his wife a get, but his yetzerhara, is preventing him from doing so. By beating him, we are freeing him from his evil inclination. This explanation permitted rabbinic courts to hurt a man in order to get a get from him. In the Russian shtetles, whenever a man refused to give a get for unimportant reasons, the Rabbi of the shul ordered that he be beaten up, until he consented to free his wife. This solution does not work in the United States. Jews do not function autonomously. We are bound by American law which does not permit violence in the name of religion. In Israel, however, “get-refusers” are imprisoned, even put in solitary confinement until they grant a get. I have heard stories of certain communities even in America using Rambam's tactics. The issue is big and worldwide. “Get-refusers” are walking the streets in Zurich, Paris, Peru, Canada, Israel, America, Russia, Ukraine, England and unfortunately too many other places. Organizations, speeches and rallies for the “agunah cause” are becoming quite commonplace. The most famous organization dealing with this issue is ORA, Organization for Resolution for agunah. This organization “assists divorcing couples, and promotes the goal that the get must be given unconditionally and in a timely fashion.” Through rallies and other campaigns, they help the “get-refuser” to give in. They have had success but unfortunately not always. One of the projects that ORA has undertaken is sending speakers from the organization to speak in high schools, and inform high school girls of the potential of their becoming agunot. A solution that is halakhakly permitted and advised by many great rabbis including Rabbi Herschel Shechter and Rabbi Mordechai Willig, is to sign a prenuptial agreement. I will illustrate how this prenup works. Chaim and Malka want to get married and they sign a “prenup.” A few years down the road, Malka wants a divorce, but Chaim does not. He refuses to give Malka a get. However he signed this document, and now he owes her $200 for every day he doesn't give her a get, by Jewish law as well as by New York State Law. Many people oppose the prenuptial agreement. They feel that when they are getting married, they are celebrating the happiest of times. They do not want to suspect their future spouse of ever refusing to, G-D forbid, give a get. However, the head of ORA, Jeremy Stern said, “Signing this “prenup” is not for you, as much it is for the communal standard. This “prenup” is like a vaccine, which will help us eradicate the agunah problem. Divorces are a reality in our community. We must do everything we can and make “prenups” acceptable. “Modern Agunah” is a new concept, since previously, a man was either beaten up or put in cherem. Beit Din was much more easily able to free the woman. Today, however, with the lack of central Rabbinical authority, cherem is a weak and ineffective tactic. Another difference between the old agunah and the modern agunah, is that in the last 50 years divorce rates have increased, and so too has the agunah issue.” The two, unfortunately, go hand in hand, where yesterday divorces were uncommon, so were the agunahs uncommon. But today, we live in a new reality. In order for every Jewish girl to have the option of walking to her chuppah without the threat of “agunaism” hovering over her head, every Jewish girl must demand that her chatan sign this prenuptial agreement. Maybe people are afraid because this sounds like something new, and Jews are not apt to change. However, times have changed. Too many men abuse halacha. They try to squeeze every penny from the wives' side, demand abnormal custody over the children, or punish their wives by withholding the get. It is important to note that there is no downside to signing the prenup. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain. Since the prenup has been instituted it has had a one hundred percent success rate. May we never need it.   

Observing the Tough Decision

Today our school took us to a college in order to see what this educational institution has in store for us. Next year, when i am going to be in twelfth grade i have an option of taking many courses that i would receive credits for specifically for this college. It is a worthwhile investment if you want to go there, but i really wanted to make aliya all along. In never really mattered, yea i had my idealistic ideas, vague plans for my future, not bothering being practical and whatnot. But suddenly, after my college guidance counselor told me i needed to seriously consider what my options are for after high school, my aliya idea became a scary idea. I started feeling afraid. "Wait a second, i dont know if i want to do it yet. I mean, I do. of course i do. If i am going to spend my whole life fighting for the right of Israel, wishing i was there, feeling the need to teach my children Hebrew, wanting to have a say in the Israeli affairs, i might as well live there. But, i dont speak Hebrew well, how am i going to attend college there? Maybe it would be worthwhile to finish up my higher education in the States. It't much harder to live in Israel. A lot of my closest family members live in New York. And is this idealistic ME or the real ME? Or some passing teenager state. How do i know what is the right decision? I am afraid. I do not like the weight of this decision. Heck, i am only 17! How is it okay to take the matter of moving into the midst of the Middle East, into my inexperienced hands?" i feel confused, and undecided. And i do not like the feeling.

Observing "Overweight" as an Expensive Problem

I woke up Wednesday morning, having everything organized. My suitcase was packed, my carry on was filled with entertainment for the long flight, (U.S. History book)and my clothing for the day was neatly laying out. Of course, the day on the of the flight things are stressful. Plus, i need to take two tests that i was busy studying for the last minute. I came into school, took the tests, then i got into the car and pulled off my dikkie, shouting, "freedom" and i was on my way to Pesach vacation. My luggage was heavy, i knew that very well when i was schlepping it, but i was told i can carry 70 pounds, so i was safe and secure. After the long line to check in the luggage, i get my turn and the ugly numbers appear on the scale. The lady behind the desk says, "You are overweight by 12 kilos. It's 125 dollars." I forgot to mention before, that i hardly slept the night before, i was very hot in my sweatshirt, and i was at my end's wit. I broke down crying, (i wish that would have been enough to let me go through without trouble. Besides, no one likes to be told that they are overweight. :-)) I was shlepping a ton of Pesach food, that is impossible to purchase in the location of my destination. But $125? What a rip off! After trying talk sense into the manager, i am sent to the counter on the other side of the airport to pay. I also forgot to mention that i did not have more than $50 on me. But i am sad to say, that cashier and airport people disappoint me as being robots, and perhaps they are just doing their job. But what do you want from a teenage individual who has literally no money to pay? Telling her that the airline changed its policy from 70 pounds to 50 pounds is not very helpful! You are not going to make me throw out the heavy salt and potato starch! My family will starve on pesach! The lady behind the "overweight" counter told me that if i transfer the extra weight into another bag, then it will cost me only $50. (Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous than that? the 12 kilo stay the same, whether they are in the same bag or in another!) I stuffed in all my belongings from my carry on into my pocket book (which was overflowing, heavy and couldn't zip closed.)I plop myself on the dirty, airport floor, sweating looking like a mess, i dissect my huge L.L. Bean duffel bag and take out all the food that could fit inside my knapsack. My purse is around somewhere, my coat is laying somewhere else, there is pesach food all over the place. Bypassers look at me, some with pity, some with curiosity, some with weirdness and ridicule. But my tears streaming down my cheeks mixed with sweat give me the shavlled look, that state, that i DON"T care about public opinion! I gotta do what i gotta do, even with the hopless despair hovering over my head that the 12 kilo wont fit in my knapsack, and all my effort is for nothing. And into my knapsack i stuffed in raw meet, beef, kosher l'pesach cans and ketchups, mayonnaise and mustard. My knapsack becomes too heavy to carry, but i guess my hours at the gym wont allow my back and muscled to betray me. One has gotta bless G-D. Weather it is when He grants you comforting siblings, who patiently support and encourage you on the phone, or arrange a payment by credit card over the phone because they dont want you travelling penniless, or are nervous about your progress and mental state during a moment of crisis. G-D bless them! I was nervous, because the gates were threatening to close up soon, but thank G-D, i saved money, made it on time, and checked in my extremely heavy loads. (There was not enough space for heavy silver foil in the luggage, so i had to carry it with me everywhere, to the gates, to the bathroom, through security, through passport control and the plane. Lovely! Absolutely splendid! I think i won the record of most interesting passenger in JFK!) Long story short, i was finally calming down, my tears were drying up, my hysterics were subsiding and i was approaching the boarding pass check-in thing. As i am approaching, i see a mother, in a long shaytel, parting with her loved ones, holding on to her two little kids. She was on the verge of tears, the man saying "Good-Bye" to her, gave me a look, and said, "Great, here is a mother's helper." He said, referring to me. Didn't he see i was exhausted beyond belief? Didn't he notice my tear-stained cheeks? I guess not. It was a safe flight, and i brought the potato starch. So i guess, that's what counts. :-)

Observing the Role of a Fake Dikkie

One of the 1000's rules of my school, is that we have to wear collars. (I have a theory about collars i will talk about later.) It is annoying, because you are not always in the mood to wear uncomfortable, button-down shirts. Someone brilliant invented something called a "dikkie" for those of you who don't know what it is, it's a collar, (just a collar without the shirt part) the dikkie hidden under a shirt, and only the collar sticks out. So that is what i have been doing all year before i left for school each morning. I would put on a regular, non button-down shirt, and just stick in a dikkie, so while the tznius police thought i was wearing a whole button down shirt underneath, i was only wearing a tiny piece of fabric with a collar. But this morning, i happened to be extremely stressed out with studying for an A.P. exam, and putting on a dikkie slipped my mind. (in my school you never want to suffer the strict penalties of breaking the dress code). The secretary in the school told me, "The school won't be happy with..." She pointed to the neck. Then i suddenly realized i had a collarless neck, oy vey! I was in a panick! I walked into class, "Who has a dikkie, or a scarf i can borrow?" By the way scarfs aren't a safe bet, but safer than wearing no collar at all. No one had one for me, and i really did not want my tznius to affect my GPA. Then G-D directed my head towards the sink, where there was a stack of white (very papery) paper towels. I took one, ripped it a little and made the corners prop out of my shirt. So instead of wearing a button down shirt, i normally wear dikkies, but today instead of that, i wore a paper towel on my neck. I shockingly did not get caught, go paper towels!!! Now, my theory about collars and Bais Yakov. When you are an innocent pedestrian walking in a park, would you rather see a collarless dog, or one with a collar. Pshita! A dog with a collar, because it's not wild, or free, it has an owner, authority, guidance. That is the symbol of the collar. I couldn't help, but make the comparison with bais yakov girls, and the chiyuv medeoraysa to wear collars. We have authorities, we have guidance, we are not chas v shalom, wild! I am not criticizing anything, i just happen to despise collared shirts. :-)

Observing Murder!

What can i write about when it comes to murder? Today a man entered a Jewish school in Toulose and fired 15 gunshots. He killed a Rabbi, and the Rabbi's two sons. A six year old and a three year old. A 10 year old girl was killed too, and a 17 year old was severely injured? Why? What did these innocent human beings ever do to deserve such a fate? This same question is asked over and over, during so many repetitive events. Last year when the Fogel family was butchered in Itamar, i was shocked to see that almost no one outside the Jewish Community was informed of the event. And the NY Times had the nerve, to publish an article somehow blaming the Jews for being in settlements. Ridiculous! These disasters keep striking us! Why? What for? When will this stop!?!

Observing Mussar Sickness

I am generally a happy, girl who doesn't usually sweat the small stuff. But today i was sitting in class and instead of learning the sefer, it's pshat and meforshim, we were spoon fed two pesukim, heard a beautiful Rav Hirsch and spent the rest of the class just discussing the matter and how it applies to life. Now, if this was a class we had once in a blue moon i would not be complaining. But this class we have several times a week. I feel like the teacher is trying to give us a spiritual uplifting class, but i feel spiritually downlifting. I listened in, commented my opinion, and doodled in a special notebook (i set aside for doodling. i think the best way to create an art portfolio is during classes you are not busy taking notes.) The next class, our next teacher walks in, smiling but reserved. she has that face of the person who is planning to blow you away in a second with all her inspirational stories. I might like her as a person, but as a student i cannot say i am learning anything. We are learning the parsha. But for some reason we are discussing the importance of what we wear. Perhaps that was tied to the parsha of truma, but i cannot recollect clearly. By now, i was tired of doodling, i leaned back in my seat and stared at the teacher. my back was tight, i was uncomfortable, i felt bored and angry that i was not learning anything. I was starting to feel really angry, that our school does not value academics. I started feeling that my brain is taken as a joke, while my nefesh is there to be inspired. But what got me really infuriated was that when the teacher told her story about this person, and how that led to the next, and before you know, you have created blah..blah...blah... I looked around and was disappointingly surprised to find my classmates staring at the teacher awed and inspired. How could they fall for this? I immediately started feeling so angry, that i got up and walked to the bathroom. I sat down on the floor and tried to reconcile what was bothering me so much. This is not me. Why am i having a fit over a few nice fluffy classes? I did 50 jumping jacks and felt a little better. But only a little. I was angry at the fact that i was not being pushed to learn or question, i was angry at the fact that so many of my questions are answered by ignorance floating in verbiage. After class i expressed my feelings to a friend, she said, "Just space out," Why? Why should i space out? I just learned how to conquer my issue with focusing in class, was i supposed to go back to day dreaming? Though i do feel better now, i don't know how to treat the rest of my fluffy Mondays till the rest of the school year.

Observing "Unorthodox"

I just read a really awesome book, called "Unorthodox," by Deborah Feldman. It was a gripping, insightful, intriguing novel. It describes how a woman rids herself of the shackles of satmar hasidism. I wont tell you the details of the story, but i like the fact that the auhor is able to find her niche, despite her resentment at her childhood hasidic world. Even though today she is a liberated, free thinking American woman, she still has a very strong Jewish identity. A woman in her position and experience, i admire her for still staying connected to her Jewish routes, in her own way. Take a look:

Observing "Ask the Rabbi a Question"

At ninth grade shabbatons, the typical questions asked are about mashiach, olam haba, tchiyas hamesim, and things of that sort. Things we "earthly" people dont really know much about due to lack of experience. In tenth garde, girls generally ask about matters concerning shomer negiah. As a member of a large elevnth garde, when we were seated on Friday night for the "Ask the Rabbi a session", i decided to bombard the Rabbi with the question that has been bothering me for months. Unfortunately, i am still dissatisfied. I raised my hand for a while, and finally after the Rabbi finished answering questions about our tachlis in life, i got the chance to speak, i asked, "How could the Torah, confine women to the halakha, which can potentially make her an agunah?" I am not asking why there is suffering in the world, i want to know, why the Torah gives (usually) the man the authority to imprison his wife? The answer he gave to my understanding, dealt with the importance of having a strong marriage, and obviously, one can see how badly the secular court marriages work. (I also despise answers that in attempt to explain the rationalism of Judaism, digress, by explaining failures of the "secualrs." But that's besides my point. I was walking around dissatisfied, and heated up, passionately because the Rabbi did not answer the question. My principal also tried answering, by going off talking about the potential issue of mamzerim,. But he also failed to answer the question. Do you have any ideas?

Observing "HP"

Growing up in a Yeshiva education, i was always told the most amazing stories of hashgacha pratis. At first they are cute, interesting, sometimes even funny. But by eleventh grade, these stories smell like forced inspiration. Ironically, in our English class we were discussing the concept of hashgacha pratis and we had to right a few paragraphs relating to the concept. I wasn't in the mood to investigate my life for personal, hashgacha pratis stories, so i was glad when G-D enlightened me with something interesting... Throughout history we see a pattern of the natural outcome vs. the reality. Events are there to destroy us, but instead we flourish. One of these examples takes place almost twenty years after the birth of the State of Israel. At this time, Israel is an inexperienced newborn state. Yet, before the people can take a deep breath, they are threatened with a war from all borders, the 1967 War. Terror, horror, and dread strikes the country. The newly arrived Israelis are boarding up their windows against the threatening bombs from Syria, Jordan, and Egypt. The Israeli authorities are expecting a second Holocaust, a final end to the Jews! However, the outcome of reality is shockingly different. Shortly before the 1967 War is about to end, the BBC channel on the radio announces that the U.N. Is about to declare ceasefire. However, Mosheh Dayan, Menachem Begin, Levi Eshkol and other Israeli Government officials will not let the best opportunity of all time fall to the ruthless hands of fate. Amid the distant sounds of bombs and gunshots, these leaders, who are expecting death, decide on a plan that would capture the Kotel. The Jewish exhausted “sweat-stained paratroopers” walk towards their unexpected reward, the Western Wall. While they thank and praise G-D for the gift, the sun rays are reflecting on the Kotel, making the holy place look golden. And the soldiers break out in singing, “yerushlayim shel zahav,” “Jerusalem of Gold.” All the Jews want is to survive, but instead they get what they never expect, the holiest place on earth!

Observing Time...

Time What is it? Time... Is it just a linear progression of a sequence of events in the order they occur in? Or is it that its just past and future? Or is it something that should matter? Why should it? It is too evanescent to deserve my acknowledgment. It comes and goes without my permission, And I am always behind, keeping up, even when I simply cannot anymore. Why do I always find myself trying to beat Time. I love time. It is reliable enough to ensure bad times to pass. I hate time. It turns the best moments of reality, into past dreams of vague memories full of bliss. Time is not trustworthy. It will make you dread the end of good times. It will make you be impatient at times of challenges. It will hang above you and smirk at your stupidity. At your stupidity of falling into the same trap, time after time. The trap of believing, Time will give you everything, The past and the future. But it will never give you the present, the gift of living in the moment. But that's not the case. Time is powerful. But the concept of "present" is in your power. Once you conquer your power, the all powerful Time, Will step down and feel cornered by your resistance of it's never faltering trap. Can you imagine a world without time? No, neither can I.

"This Is My Story" - Ben Breedlove Flash Card Video [Part 1 & 2]