Observing Mussar Sickness

I am generally a happy, girl who doesn't usually sweat the small stuff. But today i was sitting in class and instead of learning the sefer, it's pshat and meforshim, we were spoon fed two pesukim, heard a beautiful Rav Hirsch and spent the rest of the class just discussing the matter and how it applies to life. Now, if this was a class we had once in a blue moon i would not be complaining. But this class we have several times a week. I feel like the teacher is trying to give us a spiritual uplifting class, but i feel spiritually downlifting. I listened in, commented my opinion, and doodled in a special notebook (i set aside for doodling. i think the best way to create an art portfolio is during classes you are not busy taking notes.) The next class, our next teacher walks in, smiling but reserved. she has that face of the person who is planning to blow you away in a second with all her inspirational stories. I might like her as a person, but as a student i cannot say i am learning anything. We are learning the parsha. But for some reason we are discussing the importance of what we wear. Perhaps that was tied to the parsha of truma, but i cannot recollect clearly. By now, i was tired of doodling, i leaned back in my seat and stared at the teacher. my back was tight, i was uncomfortable, i felt bored and angry that i was not learning anything. I was starting to feel really angry, that our school does not value academics. I started feeling that my brain is taken as a joke, while my nefesh is there to be inspired. But what got me really infuriated was that when the teacher told her story about this person, and how that led to the next, and before you know, you have created blah..blah...blah... I looked around and was disappointingly surprised to find my classmates staring at the teacher awed and inspired. How could they fall for this? I immediately started feeling so angry, that i got up and walked to the bathroom. I sat down on the floor and tried to reconcile what was bothering me so much. This is not me. Why am i having a fit over a few nice fluffy classes? I did 50 jumping jacks and felt a little better. But only a little. I was angry at the fact that i was not being pushed to learn or question, i was angry at the fact that so many of my questions are answered by ignorance floating in verbiage. After class i expressed my feelings to a friend, she said, "Just space out," Why? Why should i space out? I just learned how to conquer my issue with focusing in class, was i supposed to go back to day dreaming? Though i do feel better now, i don't know how to treat the rest of my fluffy Mondays till the rest of the school year.

Observing "Unorthodox"

I just read a really awesome book, called "Unorthodox," by Deborah Feldman. It was a gripping, insightful, intriguing novel. It describes how a woman rids herself of the shackles of satmar hasidism. I wont tell you the details of the story, but i like the fact that the auhor is able to find her niche, despite her resentment at her childhood hasidic world. Even though today she is a liberated, free thinking American woman, she still has a very strong Jewish identity. A woman in her position and experience, i admire her for still staying connected to her Jewish routes, in her own way. Take a look:

Observing "Ask the Rabbi a Question"

At ninth grade shabbatons, the typical questions asked are about mashiach, olam haba, tchiyas hamesim, and things of that sort. Things we "earthly" people dont really know much about due to lack of experience. In tenth garde, girls generally ask about matters concerning shomer negiah. As a member of a large elevnth garde, when we were seated on Friday night for the "Ask the Rabbi a session", i decided to bombard the Rabbi with the question that has been bothering me for months. Unfortunately, i am still dissatisfied. I raised my hand for a while, and finally after the Rabbi finished answering questions about our tachlis in life, i got the chance to speak, i asked, "How could the Torah, confine women to the halakha, which can potentially make her an agunah?" I am not asking why there is suffering in the world, i want to know, why the Torah gives (usually) the man the authority to imprison his wife? The answer he gave to my understanding, dealt with the importance of having a strong marriage, and obviously, one can see how badly the secular court marriages work. (I also despise answers that in attempt to explain the rationalism of Judaism, digress, by explaining failures of the "secualrs." But that's besides my point. I was walking around dissatisfied, and heated up, passionately because the Rabbi did not answer the question. My principal also tried answering, by going off talking about the potential issue of mamzerim,. But he also failed to answer the question. Do you have any ideas?

Observing "HP"

Growing up in a Yeshiva education, i was always told the most amazing stories of hashgacha pratis. At first they are cute, interesting, sometimes even funny. But by eleventh grade, these stories smell like forced inspiration. Ironically, in our English class we were discussing the concept of hashgacha pratis and we had to right a few paragraphs relating to the concept. I wasn't in the mood to investigate my life for personal, hashgacha pratis stories, so i was glad when G-D enlightened me with something interesting... Throughout history we see a pattern of the natural outcome vs. the reality. Events are there to destroy us, but instead we flourish. One of these examples takes place almost twenty years after the birth of the State of Israel. At this time, Israel is an inexperienced newborn state. Yet, before the people can take a deep breath, they are threatened with a war from all borders, the 1967 War. Terror, horror, and dread strikes the country. The newly arrived Israelis are boarding up their windows against the threatening bombs from Syria, Jordan, and Egypt. The Israeli authorities are expecting a second Holocaust, a final end to the Jews! However, the outcome of reality is shockingly different. Shortly before the 1967 War is about to end, the BBC channel on the radio announces that the U.N. Is about to declare ceasefire. However, Mosheh Dayan, Menachem Begin, Levi Eshkol and other Israeli Government officials will not let the best opportunity of all time fall to the ruthless hands of fate. Amid the distant sounds of bombs and gunshots, these leaders, who are expecting death, decide on a plan that would capture the Kotel. The Jewish exhausted “sweat-stained paratroopers” walk towards their unexpected reward, the Western Wall. While they thank and praise G-D for the gift, the sun rays are reflecting on the Kotel, making the holy place look golden. And the soldiers break out in singing, “yerushlayim shel zahav,” “Jerusalem of Gold.” All the Jews want is to survive, but instead they get what they never expect, the holiest place on earth!