Observing the Tough Decision

Today our school took us to a college in order to see what this educational institution has in store for us. Next year, when i am going to be in twelfth grade i have an option of taking many courses that i would receive credits for specifically for this college. It is a worthwhile investment if you want to go there, but i really wanted to make aliya all along. In never really mattered, yea i had my idealistic ideas, vague plans for my future, not bothering being practical and whatnot. But suddenly, after my college guidance counselor told me i needed to seriously consider what my options are for after high school, my aliya idea became a scary idea. I started feeling afraid. "Wait a second, i dont know if i want to do it yet. I mean, I do. of course i do. If i am going to spend my whole life fighting for the right of Israel, wishing i was there, feeling the need to teach my children Hebrew, wanting to have a say in the Israeli affairs, i might as well live there. But, i dont speak Hebrew well, how am i going to attend college there? Maybe it would be worthwhile to finish up my higher education in the States. It't much harder to live in Israel. A lot of my closest family members live in New York. And is this idealistic ME or the real ME? Or some passing teenager state. How do i know what is the right decision? I am afraid. I do not like the weight of this decision. Heck, i am only 17! How is it okay to take the matter of moving into the midst of the Middle East, into my inexperienced hands?" i feel confused, and undecided. And i do not like the feeling.